Good Boys

July 18th, fooling around with a guy in the insufferably humid summer of 2017, in Jeju Island, South Korea. I was told I didn’t have a grasp on reality that would get me very far in the dating world. But my idealism served me well. A month later I met a good boy. And now he is mine. 

he said good boys don’t exist
spitting his words out like
a forsaken wish, maybe
he is right about everything
that every man is just a member
attached to a body, and a boy
won’t ever think
beyond his greed,
but I have my dreams
my prince charming doesn’t swear
that often in front of me, and he
doesn’t wash his white shoes,
he forgets things
like he forgets to be popular
among the drinkers and smokers
and skirt-chasing Casanovas,
there’s no white horse but
plenty of Taylor Swift,
no shame for our hand-holding
simplistic romance,
late-night calls to discuss
the universe and hamster homes,
and our future music exchanges
earbuds shared on long bus rides
and trips to the sea
late at night,
only to sleep in separate beds
but the same hotel room,
he’s laughing while I write
this middle school
candy sweet nonsensical
ditty of immature proportions,
but maybe boys are good
and get ruined
like I did, and maybe
they want to listen to
pop-punk throwbacks, and go see
matinee movies
with me, too.

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Challenge

I was challenging you,
with every word
and every action,
a chess move to make you
a crazy man, insane as can be,
justify the pain inflicted by others
with the same voice,
you just didn’t know it
maybe I was too pretty
or too shy, for you to see my
steely eyed heart
hiding beneath rosy cheeks,
I’d give an apology
but what ears of yours could
accept that? You’d shrug me
off your shoulders, responsibility
you don’t wish to have,
oh,
never did I intend to
stare you down, wrapping all the bodies
of three or six other men
into one solitary form,
the young player dancing
in your dark, haunting eyes,
but I did.

Half a Peninsula

I stare out the window
my eyes fixated
on north
hints of blue sky on the horizon,
“guess it’s time to pay”
I hear the words in my mind
but vaguely.
without form, like small
spoken feelings
a heavy weight dropped
from some man’s shoulders
and into my head,
is it so?
the crisp sound of jets
airplanes equipped for war
cut through the cool air, and
every swish of a car
in the 8 o’clock rush hour
sounds like an air drill
about to begin,
yet all I can think
with a silent settling
as tea leaves in a steaming cup,
is it
really
so?

Tense

I envision my eyes opening
in a dull sort of haze
at the gray dawn light
filtering through summer clouds,
Korea does not know
sunny summer days or
romantic, burning orange sunsets,
instead it’d just be us
setting the mood on fire
and dancing round the flames,
the rain pouring down
tall glass windows
in the early morning,
a cool reminder of
passing time and
responsibility,
heavy like the
dark clouds, hanging low
on the line
between ocean and sky
lovers and friends.

7.10.17

The Chemical Components of Bravery

I don’t belong any place,
though any place will take me
for the time being,
one day,
I’ll meet my match and
I’ll learn how to stand
still, until then
I’m just pure insanity
innocence in calamity,
fingers ruffling
the hair of some boy
that barely knows me
for me,
don’t assume
that just because I write
I’m anything but this
drifting figure
holding your body
over your head
and yet
I’m actually so much
more than judgement
of your behavior
your boyish, laughing eyes,
but I’m afraid
to admit it,
so tell me
again
that I’m brave.