I Don’t Deserve You

in my messy house
with my overdue paperwork
and all of these thoughts
of dissatisfaction,
angel
I don’t deserve you,
perhaps my reasons for
never walking up
saying, “Hi, I’m me and
I keep noticing you
playing guitar and
singing out your heart”,
is because
honey
I don’t deserve you,
you might be messy too
and self-hating in every way
yet still I’d believe it,
you’re too lovely
I don’t deserve you.

In the end, I just couldn’t make it this year. It shocks me because most years before I have been in school but done better than this. However, I don’t think I realized in undergrad how easy my life was! Here’s the closing poem for May 1st.

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A Little Girl Again

after one week of wandering
I’ve come round to you
a little girl again, sitting
on my bed at dusk
drinking juice
daydreaming, please
just talk to me,
my rainbow manicure
from the orphanage, tipsy
after draft beers
expensive queso
blue skies by the harbor,
the strong smells and loud songs
of a five day market
that went swirling by
in one single morning,
won’t you ask me,
why I’m like a child again,
or who has done
such a thing to my heart?
magpies and eccles cakes
the smittens
repeating again and again
oh, the night is long
I’ve come round to something,
like first, new love
fourteen under the moonlight
refused to be alone
without him,
or summer’s nostalgia
salted watermelons
patriotic rocket popsicles
on that misshapen back step,
swish-swish-thap of my bedroom fan
fireflies in the cool green grass
childhood and happiness.

I wrote this poem today after a beautiful morning at the five-day market, an afternoon playing with kids at an orphanage, and burritos and beer to top it off.  I spent a few weeks in February and through March feeling afraid of the future and doubtful of my abilities to pick myself back up after disappointment to start again. This poem begins with my realization that things change quickly in good ways sometimes, delving into my wonderful day, and finally taking this amazing feeling into some lovely nostalgia about my fourteenth summer (of puppy love, dashboard confessional, and the smittens, haha), and then into my early summer memories from when I was around five or six. I hope you can still enjoy this more personal piece and not suffer too greatly from my lack of inspiration as this challenge wears on haha. 

gold and glimmer

I wrote this inspired by the song “Stolen” by Dashboard Confessional, which as a dramatic middle-schooler I didn’t realize was the epitome of teenage angst music, but still gives me shivers down my spine when I listen to it now. Back then, I liked a boy more purely and deeply than I’ve cared for a guy since, which is simply the nature of teenage love (apparently, science says we feel stronger emotions then). I still find myself idealizing that eventual romance; one in which every moment feels as pristine and clear as those did. Very little confusion clouded the relationship, and although my feelings were certainly difficult for me to process, I realize looking back that the adult world of love is much more complicated.
First love is my favorite concept to write about, haha. 

i’ll fall asleep at sunset
to the sound of little waves
against the black rocks,
my head resting on your back
warm and damp with
a day’s work, or travel
–whatever suits you
in soft white linen,
would you be my gold and
glimmer? the best thing
that has ever happened
since when i was young,
the colors didn’t fade
when all our hearts were stolen
by innocent love and
grand ideals.

Fearless

the violets have cropped up
next to forget-me-nots
begging me to remember
every single day that
my reasons for staying here
have multiplied, all I need
are a few more friends
I don’t think the cherry
blossoms or azaleas
know I’m so lonely,
but maybe you would
understand those feelings,
perhaps this time
unlike a hidden dandelion
which has escaped the
mower’s lazy, summer eyes,
I will be more of a tree
covered in blossoms
a great magnolia
declaring my love to you
without fear.

Ornamental

Poem for April 14, 2017

Ornament, glittering in the
Jeju sunlight, as the
East sea, a treasure of the depths

You dance and sway in the
breeze, and my vision swirls into
an array of brown and green

You sing and laugh among
the yellow yoochaekkot, but even
their sweetness is not enough

Though admiration is no sin,
those who look give but glances,
while I cannot turn away

Not once, but many times have I
loved such a prize, such a masterpiece
all for naught but my ruin.

Button

the lace of
my burgundy dress
was caught on your
tuxedo button

barely untangled
before you spun me
around and around
whimsically

that time
when we were alive
in the warm rosy light
dancing together

you were the end
and beginning of my love
my hand in yours
the highlight

these days remind
me of our story
that precious moment
will always return

spring
can come find me
again after winter, and
then we’ll dance together.