Storm of M(y)ind [depression 2]

Not ready. Not ready yet.
Not here for the storm
not yet.
If they could extract
this emotion
and form it into art
it would be an
enormous canvas
the size of the Old Cabell mural
of nothing
but dark ocean waves
crashing against
the harbor wall
in defiance, in rejection,
in sorrow, in regret
in neurotic, self-destructive
criticism.

A.D. [depression 1]

How to be kind-of ok without
my antidepressant for a
few days
1. at least 2 cups of coffee
per day
2. makeup as much
as you want, no one is allowed
to say you are overdone
3. lots of perfumes and
happy, lovely smells
4. carbohydrates make serotonin
just forget the part
about fat,
5. music, long walks, sleep,
and strive to eliminate
the sounds, smells, and
faces
who say you’re not enough.

Studying Abroad

Hemingway said write hard and fast about
what hurts so I’ll just say
because of this world I haven’t seen
a sky full of stars in so long,
my mother’s scent and skin and warmth
is but a faded memory and
I have become Gatsby staring at the green light
of my man’s harbor, but instead it’s
the blue-light of my phone screen
which keeps me awake as I cling, grasp, wrap
my essence around anything which
is not my own failure, loneliness, and frustration
I claw the pustules and then the scabs
down to the blood and then the dermis of
my face, my head aches because I have
scratched it until it is bleeding clear fluid,
am I developing another
symptom of the sad illness which already says
just go, just go, just go
it’ll all be better that way.

Winter Pt. 2

My eyes glitter in the brilliance
of your pearly white snow
covered morning,
the brisk joy of your sudden
overnight arrival
and the warm embrace of
a hot chocolate by the fireside
in the lazy winter afternoon,
your smile.

Autumn Pt. 2

The sound of your breath
is whispering
in my ears with each fallen
leaf, with each caress
of the wind I feel your touch,
and the foliage in all its
seasonal colors
are the blush upon my cheek
and the sunlight on my skin
as autumn kisses me.

Topaz

Hidden beneath the shadows
of November’s bare trees,
long and aching
and black,
shivering in the deep red light
of the setting sun,
she rests there
self of my soul
spirit of my being,
closed like a late rose
to the cold bite of winter’s
first struggling breaths.

5 Years

It’s five years since
I set foot here
opened this door and
said let’s go, let’s try
accepting my heart’s
biggest, wildest desire
here I am,
standing inside, breathing
I wandered the hallways
looking for something
not sure of what,
wherever I am and wherever
I am going, I remember
if I follow the
song which brought me
to these shores
I will be
just fine,
even if everything goes
completely awry,
I will be
just fine.

Amber Eyes

Your amber eyes
your cup of warm, steaming
red-gold darjeeling eyes,
your glittery golden jasper-
topaz studded eyes,
your sunlight on a
copper American penny
brilliantly shimmering eyes,
I will turn away from
your imploring, longing, sweet
maple syrup eyes,
like the time they first grabbed
my heartstrings and
tugged as hard as they could
to keep me from careening
into a light post,
I will walk into the light post
and be black and blue and foolish,
if it means I can avoid
getting lost
in your honey-drenched eyes.

Creature of the Night

The lights out in the big night
are twinkling on the hillside
I miss my old self,

You’re just a man, as I expected,
No one knows how to love me
I miss my old self

Before I got tired of the night
Now it tries to embrace me again
Sleepless at 4 am

Did you miss me, oh darkness,
Did you long for me all those years
Stars crying above my closed eyes

I wish I knew what I could do
For the next step with me and you,
but the nocturnal, blissful emptiness
calls me.

Blame

Came home, undressed
in the dark
glanced in the mirror
the steam billowing up
like smoke
over the grill at dinner,
my smeared makeup
my bloodshot, tired eyes,
wash the smell of
trips to the sea and
beers at 3
in the morning,
with my favorite shampoo
I scrub
your memory, your words,
your eyes, the night
at Gwangju tower
from my mind,
my my, now I see
blaming me
for your mistakes.